I do (not know)

I have mixed feelings about marriage. I was married once. That lasted ten years and each year we celebrated it, we were both amazed we stuck with it. Until we didn’t No gruesome details, please. Oh, nothing horrible. Just that it lost the fun and pleasure we started out with. AS usual, there are two sides to the story. I like to remember the camping trips and the ways we really did support each other in creative efforts. Or the time I adopted a dog, Winston, and he went through the roof (we’ll never be able to go anywhere). Me: we never go anywhere anyway. What’s the problem? Within two weeks, it was ‘his dog’. But, the marriage ran its coarse.

I met Mel at the point when he and I were both completing divorce proceedings. (Not much of a break). One never knows. It was at a holiday party for Russell Blackwood’s Hypnodrome Theater. Because (I thought) most everyone attending would be gay, I glammed it up -lots of bling, mink stole, etc. Mel knew the usual suspects because they had adapted a play from one of his books on Grand Guignol, We hit it off.

Mel and I spent many years together. We didn’t get married, it didn’t seem necessary.We traveled a bit, To NYC, Seattle and Paris. Often doing lecture/dems. He gave a PowerPoint lecture and I did the dance recreations about Weimar Berlin.

He gave me two stuffed animals – Mr. And Ms. Mouse. They are still perched above my table. His last book was dedicated to me, his partner, Bijou O’Keefe. I guess it would have made some difference to have been married in the aftermath. His death was untimely, but not altogether unexpected. I saw him through many diabetic comas. So much so, I thought 911 knew my address by heart. When he revived from one of the comas, he would say, ‘that was nothing’. Of course not. He wasn’t there. Meanwhile, I thought he was dead. Just before he did die, he called me from his East Bay home and told me he loved me. Had I known it was to be the last conversation, I would have drawn it out. I don’t know. You think about all sorts of what ifs after the fact.

So, Mr. And Mrs. Mouse snuggle up. And I keep Mel updated with my prayers.